Why are my jeans so tight?

I've always been a...let's say "curvy girl". Plump, more to love, chubby, etc...however you want to phrase it, I've noticed that over the past 4 months or so I've been expanding. I'll admit, I'm no foe to food, I love cheese and pretty much anything sweet, but lately it's been increasingly worse than normal. I hate to play the blame game, but unfortunately I think the main contributor behind my growing behind (sorry, I couldn't help myself) is my crazy schedule/Sbux. With working at Sbux so much over the last couple months my diet (which it doesn't resemble at all) is very sad. I'm usually scurrying to eat dinner on the days I have to work at both places and on the days I only have to work at the real job I don't feel energetic enough to get my big butt to the gym. And frankly, I've never been one to have amazing will power, so working at Sbux isn't ideal! While I'm there I can have as many drinks as I want, which is very tempting! And then there's all those treats in the pastry case! AHHHHH!

But now I'm starting to feel a little "overloaded", in many different ways, I think it might improve my attitude if I start watching what I eat and exercising a couple times a week. No, this isn't a New Years' resolution...I don't believe in those. This is purely an acknowledgment that things need to change, and that requires me to do something to make it change. I'm working hard right now for the future that Antoine and I are trying to build and I want that future to last a really really really long time! So, tomorrow it begins! No more sweets, no more white mochas at Sbux, instead more veggies, more exercise!

Burning Out, Yet Again

When I was previously working the two jobs (before my hiatus from Sbux) after about a year or so (probably less) I started to burn out! Let me define "burn out" for you here...I was exhausted, perpetually cranky, I started to actually hate my part time job, etc. Basically the two jobs started to get to me, it affected my mood, my relationship with Antoine, our sex life, my well being and my sanity. Hence, the 7 month hiatus from Sbux before being forced to return due to a lack of funds.

So, here we are again, and after 6 months back at Sbux I'm starting to burn out. The exhaustion is kicking in and definitely the hatred for that place. I know that in this shitty economy I should consider myself lucky to have two jobs when some don't even have one, but it's hard. I feel like, most of the time, my life isn't mine anymore. When I have to work at both jobs I'm out of the house by 7am and I don't get home until almost midnight. I drive straight from the library to Sbux, get about 20 minutes to change, find some food for dinner, and then quickly eat it! Thankfully my day job is more of a thinking job than a physical one, because once I get to Sbux I don't stop moving. So, the days when I work at both places suck, but then the off days aren't exactly what you'd call relaxing. When I only have to work at the library, my evenings are full of running errands, making dinner, and then passing out well before 10pm (who am I kidding, I generally get sleepy around 8pm) because I just can't keep my eyes open any longer. And I can't tell you the last time I had a day off from both places...oh wait, yeah, Christmas!!

I just wonder how much longer I'm going to be able to do this! I need to do it as long as I possibly can. Antoine and I are working our asses off now so we can have the future that we want. But when you're tired at 8pm and your body aches or you can't remember where your keys are and you search all over just to discover that they are in the front door (and have been all night), it's sometimes hard to remember all the good reasons you're working so hard.

Cosmic Balance or Whatever...

I think it's the natural order of things that great days have to be proceeded by not-so-great days! For example let's take a look at exhibit A, my Monday, started off ok, nothing special, we had a little party at work for someone's birthday (that was nice, cake!), I was supposed to work at Sbux in the evening but swapped shifts with someone, so now I'm working tonight. Things were just getting better and better (especially considering I worked all weekend at Sbux, and the weekend before). I was looking forward to an evening at home with Antoine relaxing! We ended up getting dinner at Panera after work and then going home to cuddle up on the couch and catch up on some Dexter (one of our favorite tv shows). What an amazing evening! One of those simple, perfect evenings together where you're just overflowing with love for one another and it's enough to make outsiders vomit (this is a keyword in this post, please continue reading to understand)! Antoine and I don't always get that closeness that we both crave when we're both working our part time jobs, but last night we did, and we'll just leave it at that (wink, wink)!

Last night was wonderful, so of course, the universe has to balance out today right? Exhibit B, I wake up, and things are apparently normal, I get a shower and then go into the bedroom to get dressed and...SQUISH....I step in a freshly made hairball that one of the cats so nicely left for me! Pleasant! I proceed to wipe my foot clean and remove the mess (at this point I'm already running late for work). I get dressed, blowdry my hair, etc. and then make my way downstairs to put on my shoes and get my lunch ready...SQUISH...I step into a nice little (when I say "little" here I don't actually mean little!) pile of vomit one of cats left. I clean off my foot (the same one) yet again. By this time I'm fuming!! I realize just how late I'm running, that I won't have time to fix a sandwich for dinner at Sbux tonight, that the trash still needs to be taken out, that Antoine is snoring away on the couch, and that I haven't even warmed up my car for work yet! Excellent! Needless to say I was no longer the ray of sunshine I usually am in the morning (*please note the sarcasm, I am NOT a morning person)! Profanities started flying, and mainly at unsuspecting, sleeping Antoine, mainly because that cats don't understand what the heck I'm saying and if I need to "vent" I'll usually release all my anger upon the closest human.

So, that was my morning...I stormed out of the house in the most unpleasant of moods, leaving poor Antoine in the wake. Hopefully the day will get better, once I appolagize to Antoine for going nutso on him and try to not step in any more feline throwup (which shouldn't be a problem at the library)! Although, the really crazy thing is, I'm okay with this universal balance of happiness thing, with me stepping in cat vomit today, if it means I get to have more spectacular days like yesterday. And yes, I realize how sick that sounds!

Question of Xmas '09: Did He Put a Ring On It!?

This Christmas season I received many great gifts, a couple flannel shirts from Antoine, a grill from my sister and her husband, a really nice spice rack from my parents, etc, but most people didn't really care about these gifts. No, the question on everyone's tongue was whether Antoine put a ring on my finger for Christmas. It's been the question on everyone's mind since we moved in together, they ask "When? Is he going to ask you soon?". Like it's assumed that since we're living together and sharing a house that a wedding needs to follow. Although, it might be a question of decency and innocence that is under attack? You know, that whole "why buy the milk when you can get it for free business". Or, the third reason (the one I tend to prefer) could be that the askers (namely my mom, my grandma, and older female friends) see Antoine and I as a great pair. They can tell that we obviously are crazy about one another so why wouldn't a little diamond ring be the next step? I'll stick with that last reason, and maybe add in a little bit of the first (because I kind of thought that way before I met Antoine).

The answer to everyone's question this holiday season: no, no Antoine did not get down on one knee. And surprisingly I'm not bummed out about it. Don't get me wrong, I'd LOVE it if he did, but I'm happy with where we are right now. I didn't expect to be here, owning a house with my boyfriend of not even two years, but I wouldn't change a thing (okay, maybe I wouldn't have two jobs, but other than that...). The truth is, I know it's coming, I just don't know when. I know Antoine loves me more than anything and we've talked about the future until we've gone blue in the face. And I'm happy to serenely wait for that perfect moment, because until then I'm still an extremely lucky person to have so much love in my life.

On the topic of marriage, I was reading another blog today, one of a local single woman (one of her posts spurred this post). In one of her older quest-for-love-posts she wrote something to the affect that every woman wants to get married and have babies and the dream of that is always on our minds. While I love her blog and agree with most of the things she says, I have to disagree with this particular statement. I think while it's assumed that all little girls grow up daydreaming about their wedding and about the perfect little family they are going to create, it's not always the case. I will admit that, while for most of my life I've prided myself on being a self-proclaimed non-girly girl, I was on of those little girls. Except I only ever thought of the wedding and the man, not the family. Since I was younger I've always been anti-kids, for me not for other people. Children just never made sense to me, maybe because I was a terror when I was little, maybe because I've always been more comfortable around people who were older than me, who knows? So, error number one: not all girls/women want babies. And while I myself am guilty of being one of those girls who dreamed about their wedding dress and their future as a "Sadie" (Sadie, Sadie married lady...come on people, watch some Funny Girl!), I know for a fact that not everyone wants that life. I know a number of women who want love, but not necessarily marriage. And from my personal opinion, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I can especially understand that now from where I'm currently am in my life, happy as an unwed woman sharing a home and life with the man I love. I'm happy where life has brought me and if I hadn't been one of those little girls who dreamed about my wedding and about being someone's wife I could definitely see everything staying the same as it is right now. But alas, I'll concede and admit that I'm a girly girl and that I'm happily waiting for the day when Antoine puts a ring on it!

There Just Might Be A Light At The End Of The Tunnel..

...a tini-tiny little light, but still! So, I talked to my manager at Sbux this weekend about setting up a semi-permanent schedule for me (i.e. me working there every Monday and Thursday night and then only working one day during the weekend). And Antoine (who has been hired on to work at Target, he was previously just seasonal help) has requested a similar schedule. So, if this all works out and the gods are smiling upon us this will mean that we will get to see more of each other! And hopefully it'll give us an opportunity to start working out together again (we need to, we've both packed on some excess holiday weight). Also, hopefully by coordinating schedules like this we'll be able to keep the house tidy so my head doesn't explode! It still kind of looks like the Christmas aisle of Target threw up in our livingroom!

We'll see how it pans out, but I'm hopeful!