Saturday, April 3, 2010

Conspiracy Theories...

...on why I keep getting sick.

Now, I might be the only one here, but I loved that movie Conspiracy Theory with Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts. You know, that one where Mel Gibson plays a lovable psychopath (much like real Mel Gibson, but perhaps more lovable because truth be told real Mel Gibson isn't all that lovable, just offensive) who thinks the spooks are out to get him. While totally implausible and wacky I thought it was a "good" film. Anyway, I'm starting to identify with Jerry, Mel Gibson's character in the movie. No, I'm not in love with an attractive woman from the D.A.'s office. No, I don't have a sudden urge to bite Patrick Stewart's nose off. But I do feel like something fishy is going on!

I've been sick for nearly a month. First, general not feeling well, stomach aches, body aches, head aches...all the aches. Then, there was the dreaded Viral Meningitis (dun dun dun). Then after that I may or may not have had walking pneumonia. Then there was the horrible back pain that kept me awake half the night, which hasn't completely gone away. Now, the mucus, the phlem, the post-nasal drip and the coughing that no over the counter medicine has seemed to help (which I now have antibiotics for). Sure all this illness could be a lack of sleep and an effect of being overworked, but I think there may be more behind this. Let's survey the possible explanations...

  • A series of unfornuate events brought on by weather change, lack of sleep and exhaustion from having two jobs. HA! It just seems too obvious!
  • Sometime at the beginning of March aliens beemed me up into their spaceship, injected me with some funky disease, and then erased my memory before returning me home. Damn aliens!
  • Same thing but change "aliens" to "Russians" and change "spaceship" to "weird, tacky club/experiment facility". Damn Russians!
  • That jerk Buddy (aka one of the "evil cats from hell") is slowly poisoning me while I'm sleepying because he knows he's my least favorite of the cats. Buddy, you're such a bastard!
  • In an attempt to prove to the people of the US that we need universal health care, Obama has infected me with 7 different diseases to prove his point. Come on Obama! If you're going to infect someone to prove your point infect G.W. (or maybe you already have!?)
  • In an attempt to prove that Obama is crazy, the Republicans have injected me with some sort of super disease that universal health care cannot fight! Damn you Republicans!
  • Puffs/Kleenex is starting a world wide conspiracy to secretly contaminate their tissues with toxic bacteria and viruses so that their customers get sick and then are forced to buy more tissues. Thus boosting their sales in this poor economy. Damnit Kleenex, I hate you! Puffs, I'll admit, I feel a little betray...but I still love you because you're so soft on my nose!
  • A world wide conspiracy has begun involving the fans of Twilight. Tired of being constantly mocked by their Sparkles-the-vampire-hating-peers Twilight fanatics have organized a mass plot against those who unabashedly ridicule their beloved vampire books and movies. Hahaha, Twilight lovers the joke is on you! Soon you will find out that half of your dreamy New Moon cast (including Sparkles and that obnoxious waif) have also been afflicted, as they are in fact ashamed to be starring in such excrement and consequently put down the movie/book to their friends every chance they get! DAMN YOU SPARKLES LOVERS!!!
  • Or it may just be bad luck! Although that's not nearly as amusing, so let's not go with that!

Whatever the explanation...I hope this upper respiratory infection is the last of it! I want to start feeling better so I can enjoy this great weather we are having!

No comments: