Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Wedding Drunk

I have a problem when it comes to attending weddings, in that I become a total lush if there is any sort of free alcohol.  It's weird, because I'm not normally someone who regularly gravitates toward alcohol.  My college years were very bland when it came to "partying" and "social drinking".  And nowadays, if I have an adult beverage in the evening, whether it's a glass of wine or a cocktail, it's kind of a rare thing.  I almost never "go for drinks" or get wine or a cocktail to go with dinner (even if I'm doing it up fancy style).  But get me all dressed up and put me in the line of an open bar and inner lush comes out!  Seriously it's bad.  And my friend's wedding that we attended this past weekend was no exception.  Actually, it was probably far worse than any previous wedding I've been to because I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and only ate of few bites of my dinner.  Oh, and then I downed a beer and five glasses of wine.  Yeah, it went down like that.  And it wasn't pretty.  But what kind of blogger friend would I be if I didn't share with you the progression of the night's events and my subsequent slide into utter drunkenness!?  Not a very good one!  So, here we go...oh wait, did I mention that I had a camera in my hands the whole time?!  And while I was getting utterly smashed, my sister was putting 'em back as well?  So, yeah...

 Before the ceremony/before the wine.  My sister catching up with my parents and sharing some pictures from recent travels.

 My brother-in-law being aloof, as usual.

 So, here's a major difference between my sister and I, she gets drunk fast and I do not.  So, after a glass and a half of wine, sister-friend was a happy wedding drunk.  It took me a little longer before I progressed into full on goofiness.

 Christian air-guitaring-it to some trashy 90's rock music.

And then, naturally, my sweet drunk sister flipped me off for taking too many pictures of her.  I don't blame her, I'm obnoxious when I have a camera and/or when I'm drunk!

 Classy.  Please note the coconut bra my sister is wearing!  At this point, I was getting a bit stumbly...hence, this is the only half-way decent shot of the six or so I took during their photoshoot!

 How Mariemont gangstas roll at a wedding!

 And this is after my fifth glass of wine, after some spastic dancing on the wedding floor (making a fool of myself) and collapsing onto poor non-drunk Antoine several times.  

 Drunk photography...it's the thing of the future!

Evil brother-in-law from outer space!  Aka, best picture EVER!

Wedding drunk Jessica was all absurd giggling and awkward dancing, post wedding drunk Jessica was a different creature altogether.  Now, let me tell you the scary tale of what happened when wedding drunk Jessica was removed from her warm and fuzzy wedding atmosphere.  *Warning* Adult Language and Child-like Behavior to follow!!: 

So, the first to leave the wedding from our little familiar group were my parents.  You could tell that they were tired, as it was far past their bedtime, and they'd had enough of their drunk giggly daughters for one night.  Shortly after, Christian & Michelle and Antoine & I started saying our goodbyes and giving our hugs and stumbling (Michelle and I) into our respective cars.  On the way back to our hotel I attempted to give Antoine drunk directions...which I'm actually pretty good at, surprisingly enough I have a good sense of direction regardless of my blood-alcohol level!  So, we make it back to the hotel, where maneuvering the turns of the hallways becomes a little too much for my balance to handle.  Then back at the room it becomes apparent that I am no longer happy wedding drunk, but instead I've transitioned rather quickly (because of the lack of food in my stomach) to obnoxious annoying pain-in-the-ass drunk!  Luckily, this is not a planet I visit very often when intoxicated, but on rare occasions alcohol has been known to take me to this scary (for others) place.  Commence flailing around, whining and yelling by drunk obnoxious and absurd Jessica.  Unfortunately, all of this childish behavior was directed to poor defenseless Antoine, who was checking his email on his phone.  Then I begin telling him that "You're not taking care of me!  You're horrible at taking care of me!  YOU SUCK AT TAKING CARE OF ME!!!".  Antoine continued to ignore me, because that's what you do when your girlfriend has turned into a wailing toddler.  And then apparently, I decided to throw an even bigger fit, throwing pillows at poor Antoine and calling him an "ASSHOLE!!!".  Just for the record, I do not remember any of this!  Apparently, I let one of my other personalities come out at this point and I was no longer the Jessica you know and love.

Then apologies were made and I passed out.  Cue 5am wake up.  My head was spinning so bad that I could barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom (to pee...strangely enough, I didn't get sick!), and once I finally made it to the bathroom I nearly landed on the tile floor instead of the toilet seat.  Once I made it back to bed I couldn't go back to sleep since everything was spinning and my head was pounding.  And after 45 minutes of laying there in agony, Antoine, sweet sweet Antoine who I had called an asshole not 5 hours ago, drove me to Giant Eagle so we could get some much needed Advil and ginger ale for hungover me.  Then, he bought me a biscuit with honey on it and some tater tots from Chickfila so that I'd actually have food in my stomach.  What a sweetheart!

Anyway, not one of my finer moments, but that's how it goes sometimes.  My hope is that the next wedding I go to I can control myself a little better...but I'm not promising anything!


Christian said...

The picture of Michelle with the suckers is priceless. That was a fun wedding. Certainly exceeded expectations.

Anonymous said...

Michelle can really rock a coconut bra also! I enjoyed Christian's candle eyes too, very cool!

So did Michelle get to the helpless phase? Hopefully she stayed just short of that in the enjoyable goofball stage! :)


wonderousclusterf#@k said...

No, she apparently just stayed happy and slept like a log! I guess I was the one who have 1 (read: 3 or 4) too many!